Writing these posts has become really therapeutic; semi-autobiographical, half social commentary, I’m starting to feel like Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex and the City. Just call me Carrie BradShawerma. Except with not nearly as impressive a shoe collection. On today’s episode of A Minderella Story, we discuss the infamous, unsolicited d*ck pic. Ah, how do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways. I am fascinated by the psychology behind the d*ck pic. What goes through a guy’s mind when he sends these kinds of photos? It’s as though guys are trying to get blocked or die tryin’. It’s such a barbaric, animalistic (and ineffective) breeding ritual. You are literally showing your piece off in the hopes that it’ll attract and convince a female to mate with you. In reality, it’s possibly the least attractive way to present yourself. Second only to telling me you’re an anti-vaxxer.
I had a good run while it lasted; sure, there was lots of smut and questionable pick-up lines, but never the notorious d*ck pic. Until now. Weeks ago, I had accidentally swiped right (never swipe whilst half asleep ladies) for a guy who clearly was not looking for the same thing I was. He kept pushing to meet up even though we hadn’t had a real conversation. He kept inviting me round to his to ‘Netflix and chill’, offering to pick me up, until finally I said I didn’t think we were on the same page and I was looking to get to know someone and for something a little more long-term. “Long ting, boring”, he responds. And that was that. No sleepless nights wondering what could have been. A few days later he asks for my number because, and I quote, he was “going to change [my] mind”. Still not interested, but a little intrigued, I drop my number. Shoot your shot bro. He starts by asking whether I plan to say I like him, but only as a friend. “Of course not”, I respond, “we’re clearly incompatible as friends too”.
“Come on, don’t make this hard for me – I’m a keyworker.”
My man’s out here using COVID-19 to get laid; that may get you fast tracked to the front of the queue at Sainsbury’s and maybe some applause on a Thursday evening, but it won’t get you much further here. A couple of weeks pass, and I don’t give a second thought to this guy, until he messages after midnight on a Tuesday. Classic f*ckboy behaviour.
“Have you met anyone yet? Would be nice to see you some time.”
“I’m confused, I thought we both agreed we weren’t looking for the same thing? No point in either of us wasting each other’s time.”
“I’m not mad, no time wasting, you can still look for what you want and use me as a distraction. Don’t we all need a distraction?”
“To be honest, no. It was nice talking to you but clearly we aren’t looking for the same thing.”
He says he gets it. No hard feelings. Or so I thought. Not even 3 hours later, a photo depicting quite the contrary pops up on my 1080p iPhone display. I’m out here at 11.30am on a Wednesday trying to read about liquidated damages at work and now I’m glancing at my phone thinking of the emotional damages Imma have. I should have blocked him instantly, but I just had to ask: does this really work? Does sending an unsolicited d*ck pic to a girl ever actually get you laid?
I’m out here at 11.30am on a Wednesday trying to read about liquidated damages at work and now I’m glancing at my phone thinking of the emotional damages Imma have.SUSAN AL-SAFADI ON THE EMOTIONAL DAMAGES AN UNSOLiCITED D*CK PIC CAN HAVE.
“Of course, why else would I try this? It either gets me blocked or it moves things along.”
“OK, I’ll take option 1 please.”
You have blocked this contact.
Success – in his quest to get blocked or die tryin’, this guy got himself blocked. As I hurried to delete all traces of this photo before it made its way to iCloud, I wondered about the success rate of the notorious d*ck pic. Do women actually respond to this? Does this ever change a no into a yes? I for one wasn’t playing hard to get – I wasn’t waiting for a sneak peek to bag the deal: I just wasn’t interested. Ultimately this behaviour comes down to these men putting their sexual desires ahead of their (potential) partner’s. The point is, they don’t really care whether you’d want to receive an intimate photo or not; they’d want one, so they assume you’d want one too. Enter the d*ck pic. They’re hoping their gift will inspire you to share one of your own, or that you’ll be so turned on they get laid. These men operate with a transactional mindset – they assume you get what you give. It’s a very reductive, caveman like way to express sexuality.
It’s also a form of exhibitionism, since most people’s inhibitions are lowered online. And the truth is, we’re all probably a bit flirtier online than we are in person: humans crave attention. It’s a shallow form of validation, but these men want the attention either way; it’s an ‘even bad press is good press’ type of thing. And some men just get off on the shock or negative reaction they get from a woman once they’ve sent their C minus d*ck pic into cyberspace.
Some speculate that guys fear rejection (don’t we all), so sending a d*ck pic is a way to suss out interest, or lack thereof, early on. Other guys use it to build their own self-worth – they use the photo to gauge what kind of woman they are speaking to, even though her reaction says very little about the kind of woman she is and volumes about the kind of man they are. In actual fact, it’s sexual harassment – it’s the digital equivalent of flashing someone in public, and that’ll get you arrested. The biggest issue with the d*ck pic is that these photos are often unsolicited – on or offline, consent is key. It’s also really over done: like really, a d*ck pic? How original. Fellas, if you are trying to get blocked or die tryin’, at least be a little more creative. Your bathtub d*ck pic will have me losing my lunch before I lose my pants.
In actual fact, it’s sexual harassment – it’s the digital equivalent of flashing someone in public, and that’ll get you arrested.SUSAN AL-SAFADI ON an UNCONSENTED D*CK PIC BEING A FORM OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT.
So, is this what it’s like then, Love in the Time of Corona? Destined for meaningless mediocre conversation, with a side of harassment and then heartbreak? What happened to good old fashioned seeing someone from across the masjid and asking them if they come here often?
By Susan Al-Safadi